Let It Whip

Remember your high school graduation ceremony? The pomp, the circumstance and all the memories, good and bad, of the last four years flooding back during the speeches. Somehow you managed to remain intact despite all of the hours of homework, the tests, the successes and failures and a boatload of teenaged drama.

Anyone who can survive this experience deserves the right of passage known as a graduation ceremony and it should be a happy occasion for them. While the event itself may cause parents everywhere to burst with both inexplicable joy, hope and maybe even the sorrow of a mid-life crisis, these are not excuses for bad behavior and/or to embarrass your children.

My jaw dropped the other night when security physically removed someone’s parents from the graduation ceremony. Their kid looked positively mortified. WTF is wrong with these people?

After attending two of my children’s graduation ceremonies in the last four days and seeing a lot of bad behavior I’ve deciding it’s time to crack the whip. I am hereby nominating myself to be the U.S. Chief Commencement Officer (somebody’s gotta do it!). So, let it whip! The following rant rules will apply: 

Dear Other Parents of Graduates, 

While a small cheer, clap or even a “Woot!” is acceptable, please refrain from blowing air horns, lighting M80’s or using other really noisemaking devices during the graduation ceremony. We know you’re excited that your child is graduating, but laying on that air horn or lighting fireworks is not only distracting, it prohibits other families from hearing their child’s name called and makes babies and toddlers cry uncontrollably.   

When they tell you to please remain seated during the ceremony….PLEASE REMAIN SEATED. Why would they want you to remain seated after your child has already graduated? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because other people’s kids are still graduating and instead of having a video of my child receiving his diploma, I have a lovely shot of the back of your ass. 

 

I know you’re as excited as I am about your child’s graduation and you want to announce it to the world. I get that, but when you make big signs, sit in front of me and hold them up over your head throughout the ceremony, I can’t see anything, nor can the other hundreds of people sitting behind you.  

 

The above also applies to balloon bouquets. 

 

Dear School Administration,

Unless it’s a graduation from Sex Offenders University, it would be great if in the future only non-sex offenders be allowed to speak at graduations. I don’t care what their title is within the school system, if (hypothetically, of course) a Vice-Principal has recently been arrested because they went cruising for paid, anonymous sex and hooked up with some guy who lied about being in Blue Man Group to have a good time with in a public park at 5:00 in the afternoon, that person should not be allowed to introduce the members of The National Honor Society. (’cause it’s nasty) I’m just stating my opinion, you know, in case something like that ever were to happen. 

 

Thank you all for your future cooperation, 

 

The Rock Chick

 

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